I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
