I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
