Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
