I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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