every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
