man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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