my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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