I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
