I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
