girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
