I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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