So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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