So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
