theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
