Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
