Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My feet surprised me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
