He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Drunk is not a location!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
