mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
