Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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