I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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