Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
