if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
A+ Viking dick
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
