Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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