dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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