Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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