I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
