just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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