she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
