The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
