You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish you could order shots online.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
