I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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