No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
