If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
