things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
