I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
