Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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