well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
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Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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