If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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