Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
