a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
