Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
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Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
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my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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