i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
