when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
