Will you blow on my dice?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
