I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
