i think my tv is drunk
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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