I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
