I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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