I'm so fucking centered right now
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
