Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
