Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
