I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
