So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
