Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
