I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have fence marks all over my body
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
