Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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