if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
