Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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