I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
