I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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