I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
