Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
